Answers Bring More Questions

I had a hard visit with my counselor, Dr. Morgan, yesterday.

I’ve been talking about how studying for the CPA exam (again) brings up a lot of things for me since this is the third time I’ll be sitting for it.

The whole thing is a logistical nightmare; four sections that need to all be passed within 18 months of passing the first one (last time I took it, I passed two of the four, missed the third by 3 points, but then lost the ones I passed because of the 18 month timing and not receiving scores/being able to retest in time).

Testing is not available in March, June, September, or December (often the slower times for accountants). To schedule the exam, you have to get a Notice to Schedule (NTS), but that is only good for six months (four truthfully because of the closed testing months). It’s taken at a testing center where you’re fingerprinted going in/out, are under surveillance, and practically get strip searched going in.

I was an anxious, nervous wreck last time I took it. Test anxiety has always been something I’ve struggled with ever since I was young. I would know what I was being tested on, but would fall apart and barely pass the test when it came time to do it.

No surprise that going down this path again brings up a lot of things for me.

In our discussions though, she asked about past times taking it, how I tested in college, in high school, etc. She asked if I’ve ever been tested for ADHD.

Nope. I did ask about it when I was struggling in college, thinking that may be a reason why I was struggling, but was pretty much told that because I’m in college and have been ‘successful’ thus far in life, (graduated high school and was in college), I probably didn’t have it even though I struggled. That time I was instructed it was likely poor time management skills and depression/anxiety.

Dr. Morgan asked me if there were considerations (such as extra time) available for learning disabilities for the CPA exam, and after having that conversation, I looked, and yes, there are, but only for ADA approved disabilities. I don’t think anxiety and depression qualify.

There’s a form and a letter and testing that needs to be done, (and in my head I kept hearing what I had heard before, that because I’ve been ‘successful’ it was probably just my own flaws), so hadn’t looked into this until she asked.

She put it out there to consider getting the testing done as even though I’ve been ‘successful’ thus far, it doesn’t mean that there may not a problem that can be addressed or used to help work through existing problems.

After thinking about it a few weeks, I agreed to do the testing with her, which I did yesterday.

Midway through the questions I started crying. It became overwhelmingly obvious to me when asked specifically how I handle certain situations that I do struggle. Things I used to do, but have modified in such a way to manage it now as an adult. It was eye opening for me to realize how truly hard certain things really are for me. Much harder than a typical, “you need to get better at time management” type of thing and how I’ve thrown so many of these things in to the anxiety/depression bucket and just assumed it was ‘normal’.

I’d equate it to finding out you’ve been taking a path from point A to point B that goes through treacherous, horrible terrain, only to find out there was a gondola available that I didn’t know was there. I still made it from point A to point B, but definitely had a harder road.

I’m surprised how much these results surprise me.

It’s humbling to finally see that, yes, things ARE harder for you than most of your peers. As if a huge chip that I used to have on my shoulder is now gone. Instead of being angry at myself and fighting myself, I now see that there’s an explanation.

I’m definitely still processing all of this and I know full well that this doesn’t diminish the amount of work that still needs to be completed to sit for and pass the CPA exam. Also, to do this alongside the upcoming Q2 reporting season and another personal development class I signed up for as well, (more on this one later).

Of all my years of being in therapy, the past two months have been more eye opening than the past twenty. It’s taken a lot of work to get to where I am, and I sometimes feel like I’m starting all over again, but I like where this new path with her is heading. As if I’m finally able to accept the answers I’ve been looking for all these years.