What’s in a Name?

“What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet” ~ William Shakespeare

The last three years (plus a few months) in my life have been life altering.

Three years ago, (plus a few months), I became a Mom when I gave birth to my beautiful son, Alexander Almanzo Hagen. I was amazed that he was really here and so excited to see what kind of man he would grow up to be. He made me feel like I had a big purpose in life…I was now responsible for raising him to be a good man. That’s a big responsibility!

My responsibilities ended abruptly after he passed away at his daycare when he was only three months and five days old.

It is said that losing a child is the worst pain one can feel. I will not disagree.

My grief and loss were compounded when I found out little over a month after my sons funeral that my husband had started sleeping with a bartender 14 years younger than him when he was out of town for work. I was shocked that a human being would be so cruel as to do this to another human being. Now, instead of grieving my son, I was now moving out, trying to find a way to save our marriage.

Little more than a month prior, this was the same man who held me at the hospital when we had to leave our son and said “We will get through this”. He hugged me and we sobbed together as we waited for our car. Well, we did, just not together.

Attempts at reconciliation were met with hateful and hurtful words. He couldn’t get a drink strong enough and had also begun smoking pot. His job is a federally regulated, random drug test type of place, but he had started sleeping with the lady who performs the random drug tests so now he was getting a heads up on when they would be coming. He had lost his job when we found out we were pregnant and it was a very stressful time until he was able to get it back; and that was only for a rule infraction. A positive drug test or showing up drunk to work would be far harder to recover from.

None of that mattered to him. After learning some of the most hurtful details of his infidelity, I couldn’t take it anymore and filed for divorce. My son passed away the end of January, I was divorced by August. I was divorced before Alex would have been a year old.

At the time of the finalization of my divorce, I was living in my brothers basement, was going to be moving to an apartment, but nothing was permanent.

I had lost so much of my identity. I used to be a wife, a homeowner, and a Mom with a cute little pug named Chubbers. Looking at a divorce after losing a son shortly after having put my dog to sleep from old age, I didn’t know who I was. In the divorce, I kept my married name as it was very important to me to have the same name as my son, even if he wasn’t physically with me.

I’m glad I kept my name at that time. I needed something to stay the same in my life at the time; some way for the post man to catch up to me. It made me think about when I first got married and realized that my name would be changing.

I was SO EXCITED to become Mrs. Hagen. Getting married and changing my name was me starting a new life and getting a new name to go with it. I was thankful to leave my maiden name behind and start this new chapter.

In the almost three years since losing Alex, I really felt like I had lost my purpose. I didn’t know who I was anymore.

Legal battles didn’t help either. Between the divorce, the criminal investigation of Alex’s death (so much more to say on that for another post), the daycare license revocation hearing (that was eventually dropped, but I still had to prepare for everything as I was the key witness), a civil suit, and hundreds of counseling appointments it was a full two years of “Legal Crap” to put it nicely.

This past year it was so strange to not have to be in constant communication with attorneys. I finally felt able to grieve my son. To grieve the loss of my marriage. To try and figure out who I am now.

I traveled.

I went to Guatemala with my Church group. I shared my love with villagers I had only known through prayer, was moved by their stories, and truly honored to be their guest.

A dear friend of mine was getting married shortly after the Guatemala trip, and it just so happened to work out perfectly with my work schedule to go. I also just happened to get a tax refund.

The prior year, I had a tax refund, but I had used it to pay off my divorce attorney. This year! I used that thing to go to London! By myself. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t anxious about traveling that far by myself.My anxiety turned out to be all for naught.

I had a fantastic time playing tourist and seeing the sites in London. I went to the wedding in Lowestoft and was fully able to celebrate joy and happiness at my friend’s wedding. It was so great to be a part of her big day.

I visited friends and family and even went to WeFest! (a country music festival in northern Minnesota)

I also went on a retreat for bereaved mothers in the beautiful mountains of Colorado.

I found a new counselor.

Celebrated Thanksgiving with family in Seattle.

It has been a fantastic year full of travel.

There were moments where my fun was twinged with guilt. Guilt that I was only able to do this because I am divorced and my son is not here. There is no way I’d be able to do all of this if my son were still here.

This is where one of my amazing friends would remind me that Alex is always with me and he would not want his Mom to be sad.

This was also the year that my ex got remarried. He got married to one of the women he cheated on me with that he had a son with the previous year. That threw me for a bit of an emotional loop.

Now, let me be clear, there is nothing in me that ever wants to see this man again after the hurtful things he did and said to me. The man I married was not the same man I divorced and I’m glad to be done with the man he became.

However, news like this has a special way of making one want to throw a pity party. I felt bad that I wasn’t where I thought I should be. I felt stuck. I’ve done so much work on myself, and I felt like I didn’t have anything to show for it. I didn’t have a house or a dog or a family of my own. Were my adventures worth more than that? Also, remember when I said I kept my married name so that I could keep Alex’s name? Well, it was now her name. Shudder.

I refocused on how far I have come and how I have truly allowed myself to grieve my son and my divorce. I have done so many beautiful things in Alex’s good name and worked on myself to keep my sanity through it all.

It made me think of my future though and how it was going to look. I had no idea. For so long I was working to get through the next day, the next week, the next month, that now, here I was, celebrating my sons third birthday (this past October) when it felt like it had only been a few weeks since I last held him.

I began planning for the next year. Not planning as much travel, but carving out time to meet a big goal of passing the CPA exam. I’ve been very successful in my career without it, but to get beyond where I currently am, it is a necessity.

Having tried and failed at this exam before, studying has brought up a lot of emotions. Reminders of the last time I studied for this exam and didn’t pass all four sections.

This time feels different though. I’m more confident. I have five more years of experience under my belt and far more confidence. No time like the present to get this done with. It’s still hard though. Hard to study after working ten-hour days. Hard to keep up motivation and keep those fears of failure at bay.

Until, a thought crossed my mind at how cool it would be to pass this exam in my new name?

The name I had been kicking around in my head for some time. The name I had gone through scenario after scenario of iterations of. The name that still keeps my initial intentions of having Alex’s name. How cool would that be?!

Well, today was the day I kicked it off. I filed the paperwork to go from Amy Hagen to Amy Alexander.

I am keeping my Son’s name. I am letting go of the part of my name that brought me so much pain after having to say goodbye to my son. The timing feels right as well. Had I done this with the divorce decree, it would have been coming from such deep sorrow, loss and hurt of being divorced. Doing this now, it is coming from a place of love and pure joy.

The joy is very similar to how I felt when I first changed my name when I got married. This is me. Still grieving the loss of my son and the loss of my old life, but in a different way now. I’m honoring my time in grief by starting the new year with my new name.

To be able to honor the upcoming third anniversary of the last time I held my son by truly holding on to his name; it gives me hope and makes me smile.

It feels as though I’m taking back the wheel after having been on autopilot.

After two years of feeling as though I’m only reacting to what was happening, followed by a year of self discovery, I am now beginning to make things happen again and it feels great.